From Chapter 17: Worse Than Judas
I rounded the corner to the small living room. Dad, Mom, Wayne, and Martha sat in a semicircle, facing me like a panel of judges.
My throat tightened, every happy lyric suffocated from my lungs.
“Why don’t you pull up a chair and join us?” Wayne nodded toward the dining chairs, his words an ultimatum disguised as an invitation.
His posture hunched, as though the weight of the moment hung too heavy to bear. Martha and Mom both sniffed and wound handkerchiefs around their hands. Unlike Wayne, Dad sat as rigidly and coldly as the glare he leveled at me, his lips moving with unspoken wrath.
Wayne cleared his throat, waiting until I sat, then pulled my letter from his pocket. Unlike the crisp envelope I’d carefully hidden a couple of hours earlier, it was opened and crumpled.
“We’re lucky that one of the girls found this in time and brought it to me. We can’t imagine why you would write this.”
I dug my toes into the rough hardwood floor.
He opened the letter and read aloud in a slow, flat voice, then folded it and passed it to Dad.
Wayne cleared his throat. “We can’t understand what would make you say these things. We educate you well, all the way through eighth grade. And there are plenty of books you can read.”
Unable to move or speak, I stared. Is this really it? Is my only chance to escape gone? What are they going to do with me?
Dad’s voice cracked like a whip against my resolve. “Are you taking this seriously? These accusations could send me to prison and you and all your siblings to foster care.”
I coughed to buy time to form the right words, then blurted out, “I just want to go to school and be normal. That’s all. What’s wrong with wanting to learn?”
Mom burst into loud sobs, her face crumpling as if my words shattered her soul. Martha leaned forward, whispering in a soothing tone, but Mom only sobbed more fiercely.
“Do you consider yourself a Christian?” Wayne’s tone dripped with honey, bate for a trap.
“Yes, of course.”
“Then you know that Jesus commands you to honor and obey your parents, just as you do Him. You know that secular education leads us away from God and that spanking is a way to guide you to Him.”
The jaws of his trap threatened to snap shut, but I dodged just in time. “Where in the Bible does it say you can’t go to school?”
Dad leaned forward, eyes fiery, and opened his mouth. Wayne held up a cautioning hand.
“It doesn’t tell you not to go to school, but it tells you clearly what to study. ‘Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. But shun profane and vain babblings: for they will increase unto more ungodliness.’” He quoted the Book of Timothy. “Worldly education is nothing but vain babbling and lies created to lead you from God, not toward him. To pursue that is to run away from God.”
A cold shiver ran through me as he stared straight into my eyes. He steepled his hands and leaned forward, the honey returning to his tone. “Do you not understand how all this is for your own good? We’re not here to punish you. We’re here to redeem you. If you can understand and repent, we’ll forgive you and help you return to the right track.”
I shook my head. “I didn’t do anything wrong. Let me go; you’ve let other kids go.”
“You’re only fourteen.” Dad’s leaped to his feet “And what? Do you think your grandparents want you? They never cared about you children. They would have just sent you to a foster home.” His words dripped with more venom than Wayne’s honey—a snake about to strike.
Instinctively, I slid my chair backward. Could that be true? The venom’s sting pulsed through my veins.
Wayne exhaled a tense breath, then motioned for Dad to sit. “The others who left were much older than you and already too far gone. Sometimes, we have to let the bad apples go to save the rest. But you’re still too young. There’s plenty of time for you to change your rebellious attitude.”
Fighting against both the honey and the venom, I folded my arms pursed my lips. Too young. That meant I only had to hold on util I was old enough. I could still win this fight.
Wayne took in my expression, his own changing from a mask of hope to sadness . “We thought it may come to this. We can’t let you pollute the other girls any further. You must always stay with your mother or one of the other women or older girls. You may never go to any of the youth events or be alone with any friends. After church, someone will escort you back to your house and supervise while you eat alone.”
Dad held up the letter between his thumb and finger like a piece of soiled laundry. “And obviously, no more letters to anyone. Your mom searched your room and took away all your pens and stationery. Do you understand me? Absolutely no freedom until you repent.”
I dug my toes further into the floor until the skin peeled back from my toenails. I’d failed to fall into the trap of conformity, and instead landed in a cage of rules.
Wayne sighed, his tone now empty. “You can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink. There’s no point in all of us wasting more time. Let’s pray, and we’ll go.”
The four adults bowed their heads while Wayne begged God to shed “His healing light” on me, then he and Martha told my parents goodbye and left. I stood to go to my room.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Dad boomed. “Sit back down.”
I returned to my seat, arms folded against my chest.
He stood over me and threw the letter at my head. “How dare you?”
My vision tunneled as the pages fluttered around me like dead leaves in autumn. Dad seemed to grow several feet taller, looming over me. The wolf-like glare returned to his eyes, and his whole body trembled with rage.
“You are almost as much of a traitor as Judas Iscariot.” He leaned over, and his hot breath stung my cheeks. “No, that’s too good for you. You’re worse than Judas. You sold your own family.”
“Chuck?” Mom’s voice quavered. “Are you sure you want to say that?”
Dad spun and stared at her. “That girl nearly sent us both to jail. She could have gotten the whole Community investigated. There is no worse betrayal. Yes, I meant to say that.”
He turned back to me. “Get out of my sight. I’m not sure I’ll ever want to see you again.” He grabbed the back of my chair and shook it. I jumped from my seat and sprinted toward the stairs.
“You better run,” he yelled as the chair hit the wall behind me.